Today I Cried
Surrendering to the weight and warmth of grief .
Today I cried
Releasing what I thought was healed
Sting like a lose scab revealing the pinky pigment still at the surface
Today I cried
Memories that would bring a chuckle to the throat
Today brought an indigestible lump
Almost causing me to forget how to take a breath
Today I cried
The warmth of tears welling up somewhat comforting
Yet surprising
It’s been four years
Four birthdays, four christmas’
Yet today
I cried
Today I cried
With fresh grief and familiar loss,
Opening old conversations and songs once shared,
Drifting in and out of her scent
Her presence,
Her being.
Today I cried
Whilst memories of her hands linger
The softness and the steadiness
The intentional touch
They way she gestured her petite fingers
The way her shoulders would rise and fall in laughter
The way her hips would sway to the sound of her own voice
Today I cried
Today I cried and cried and cried
And chastised myself for doing so
A quick wipe of a tear
In a bid to act normal
Act ok
Act
Today I am not
Ok
Today I feel
I feel sadness running through every fibre
Electricity flowing through my veins awakening the senses
Senses I’ve single handily tried to suppress
Plunging them down to my very core
I’ve piled routines, responsibilities and relationships on top
yet today the weight of this is not enough
The weight of grief is too strong
Too persistent
Too bold
Too brazen
Too determined
Today I cried
Today my heart is heavy
As if this solid mass in my chest is crushing me
Yet I am aware that grief is a privilege
Grief is simply love with no place to go
No place to be received or reciprocated
So today I choose to be grateful
For gratitude is light
So I release the weight
Like a feather blowing in the wind
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to love
To have known and felt her warmth
To be guided by her
To understand what is was to be loved by her
Today I shift from suppression but to surrender
As I surrender to all of this
All of her
Today I remember her prayers that kept me and continue to cover me
Today I dig deep and follow her lead
Today I feel her connection despite the distance
Feel her spirit beyond the physical presence
Today I cried
Tomorrow I will smile
For her